You Know It's All Worth It When ...

My Charlie, who I've pegged as a generally contrary child (albeit generally a good boy, he doesn't like many things) has truly been a changed guy lately. For about a month (so pretty much around the time I started to have a complete melt down because I wasn't getting through to him) he has been the most affectionate, loving guy.

This is new.

He's always been pretty retiscent and not the first one to jump in line for hugs, or for time with Mom (although he liked spending time with Dad). However, all that has changed.

The first time I noticed that Charlie's demeanor was changing, was when he had to do a Public Speaking assignment as part of one of his Language Arts lessons. He has never before been able to memorize poems and such and to deliver them in front of people. 

However, he's twice now memorized a poem and delivered it, not just to me during class time, but later for his Dad and brother too. He's been very proud of his excellent public speaking skills. 

He is seaking out hugs, asking for snuggle time and speaking up during family discussions. He is smiling and laughing, and his contrary self has been nowhere in sight for a while now.

Tonight, while I was tucking him in, I said I thought maybe aliens had abducted him and replaced him with a new and improved model. Of course he thought that was hysterical, but was quick to assure me that he was still just Charlie.

When I asked him why, then he was seeming so much happier and snugglier, he said (and this is gold)

"Because I'm believing in myself more."

And that, boys and girls, is what makes all of it - everything - absolutely and undeniably, worth it.

Why We Do The Hard Things

This homeschooling thing ain't easy.

It is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. It's certainly the least selfish thing and I'm just about the most selfish person I know. I'm all about 'my' time, my writing time, my photography time, my, mine, me.

Maybe some moms choose to homeschool out of a sort of selfishness--because they believe they can do better, or they want to control what happens in their kids lives. I have some of those reasons, I'm sure, too. My biggest selfish reason for homeschooling is that I wanted to have more times with my boys. But that's kind of one of those gray selfish areas, it serves a good and generous purpose too. A win/win. :)

But I wanted to share the good that my husband and I have been recognizing from our efforts, especially on the heels of my recent struggles. 

• There have been far fewer fights between my two boys. Less hassling, more sharing and cooperating. Charlie even called Xander his best friend today. That was huge.
• The boys no longer turn into zombies when they watch TV or play video games. (more on that later)
• Charlie has grown in his confidence by leaps and bounds. It is truly amazing. He speaks out more clearly, speaks his mind more often, and shares his insights when he used to just listen and take it all in. I have loved getting to know him better. 
• Xander has been able to expand his mind by reading whatever he can get his hands on--he has the time, now, to do that and he loves it. And I love seeing a book worm grow right before my eyes. 
• The boys are generally far more compliant and quick to respond to my requests for help or for them to do chores. (I think this also relates to the zombie thing)

I'm sure there are many more, these are just a few that quickly come to mind.

About zombies. It used to be, when the boys were in a traditional brick and mortar public school, that they would come home exhausted and want to 'zone out' in front of the TV or computer. It truly was zoning out, and they only did those things because they were minimally participatory and they were too tired to do anything else--and heaven forbid they take a nap. Big kids don't do that sort of thing.

I would typically let them have a short time to decompress after school, however they needed to do it. But I had to be careful not to let them have too much 'screen time', because otherwise, they would turn into zombies. You could recognize when they had had too much screen time and they were now zombies because they couldn't hear you when you spoke to them, their eyes had a dazed and far away look, and they had a hard time tearing themselves away from whatever was on the screen.

Now, I would imagine they get a fair amount of screen time, and yet there have been no zombies at my house except for at Halloween.

I let them have computer breaks during school time. They work well for me for a while if they know they will be rewarded with ten or fifteen minutes of screen time. They willingly set their timers and jump right back to work when their time is up. No zombies in sight.

Here's my theory why they are not turning into zombies even though they are still getting screen time: When they leave for school and are gone all day, they are disconnecting from me, from home, from mom and dad. Many times, even, forces at school are working against the home mandates. For instance, your child might come home and say "so and so said they get to do THIS or THAT" and so they are already defensive and ready to fight you before they even get home.

Then, when they get in front of that screen, they are further disconnecting. More time to pull away from home.

However, because they are always with me now, they are fully connected, fully engaged with me from morning until night. Now, when they get screen time, or play time they are not disconnecting from us, but feel it is simply an extension of their home life. They are always safely and securely wrapped up in the arms of their family, that even when they take time for themselves, they still feel safe in their sense of belonging to a family.

I have given up my photography business, one of my writing jobs, and I still barely have time to work on my current writing projects. This is a hard thing, make no mistake. It is a sacrifice. A sacrifice of id, but not a sacrifice of anything important. My id will grow and be made so much better because of this sacrifice. Truly, it's barely a sacrifice at all--only superficially is it any kind of sacrifice. 

This is why I do the hard things ... to see my boys shine.

Getting Your Spouse Involved

After my meltdown last week, my husband realized he could help. On Saturday, Xan had a karate tournament, but because Grampa was coming to visit, David (my husband) had to stay home to care for him. So, while Charlie and David stayed home, David decided to work on a couple math lessons to help catch Charlie up.

So while I had a fun time cheering Xan on to first place in forms (YAY XAN!) David helped Charlie with his math.

By the time I got home, my husband was a changed man.

He'd always been supportive our my decision to homeschool, but really didn't have a big opinion on which program I decided to go with to teach the boys. Whatever was easiest for me, he trusted I would make the best choice for our guys.

But while he was poking around the K12 website helping Charlie with his math, he discovered what an awesome program it is. He was very excited to tell me that had he been making the choice given Charlie's current problems, he would totally have chosen K12.

This was very exciting and encouraging to me. Hurray! Not that I had a problem with my husband in any way, but having him have a taste of what I was doing, what schooling the boys was like was very, very comforting to me.

And not only did he approve of the school I had chosen for the boys, but he also now had a first hand understanding of Charlie's behavior when doing school work. It felt so good knowing I was understood, that my problems with school were understood. A VERY good feeling.

David has offered to teach the boys Science on Saturdays, and to help with the occasional lesson (particularly for Charlie) if the boys fall behind, or as I need it. So now I have an extra day during the week to use as catch up if I fall behind or a day OFF to use as I need. Such a relief and gift.

I feel like such a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Just knowing I am NOT in this alone, NOT caring all this burden alone ... it feels really, really good.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The other day, in the heart of my own personal emotional tornado, I wrote down some thoughts on what's going on in my head. I thought I'd share it here because maybe someone will recognize themselves and know they are not alone.

Why did I decide to homeschool?

• I love my boys.
• I wanted to spend more time with them.
• I want what's best for them.

Why do I feel like I'm failing?

• I'm afraid Xander is becoming weird.
• Charlie doesn't seem to be able to learn anything.
• I feel like I'm constantly fighting against the boys, or it's Me/School vs. Them.
• They are dirty (have poor hygiene habits.)
• I find I'm folding easily and giving in on the things that are important to me because they're not important to them.
  
• The house is a mess.
• We've been eating out too much.
• Dinners are stupid. (They hated everything I was making, so we made a list of all dinners that were acceptable to them, and once a week only we'll try something 'new' ... their choice of dinners are kraft dinner and weiners, grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup ... that sort of thing.)
• I'm not getting any exercise and I'm getting fatter and fatter.
• I'm lonely for friends.

What's going right?

• There really has been an increase of love between me and the boys.
• Charlie seems to have increased confidence.
• I like having scripture study with them.

I'll write more about my thoughts on these things ... but you can stew on that for now!

Our Struggle

I have been struggling this past while. I've been feeling like I can't, in fact, do this homeschooling thing. I could give you lots of excuses and reasons, but none of them really matter. I know I have to work through this bump in the road.

But the thing that is really getting me down is my struggle with my dear boy Charlie. 

I am beside myself trying to figure out what to do with him, or rather, for him. 

Charlie is capable of many things, but he hasn't found his special thing yet. With a brother like Xan, what's a boy to do? How can he make his star shine when Xan seems to have monopoly on shine.

With school, Charlie just plain feels like he 'can't'. He can't do math, he can't do language arts, he can't do anything.

Whole days have been spent when only one lesson is completed. There is often much crying and frustration.

I am just tapped out and don't know what to do for him. Two teachers, one being our K12 teacher, has suggested that we continually point out to Charlie what he's great at. Thing is, he is honestly not great at many things. The only thing he is really great at is hard physical work. 

He is the best worker and helper I know. Even among men. His work ethic is truly to be admired. I just wish I could help him transfer that awesome work ethic to schoolwork.

I am praying so hard for my little guy. I hope I am granted some sort of inspiration and guidance for how to help him. 

An Increase of Love

I've often read about how much homeschooling moms love their children, that I figured it was a prerequisite. I mean, of course I love my kids, but thought these moms had access to a type of love I couldn't hope to have.

I grew up in such a way that loving people doesn't come naturally to me. Scratch that, I love people, but I think I hold a lot of it at bay, and I have difficulty showing and receiving love. I am much better with my sons than I am with anyone else, but still ... I felt I still wasn't giving them everything I had within me.

Until now.

Now, my heart bursts with love for them. I must sound like a broken record because just about every night I tell my husband how very much I love our sons. It's just such an amazement to me, that I can't help but point it out, in awe over how such a thing could be happening to me.

Who would have believed that spending all day with your children could actually help you love them more?

And it's not just me feeling it for them, it's them feeling it for me.

For instance, the other day I was feeling exceptionally tired after we were done schooling. I laid down on the couch while the boys headed outside to play. A moment later Charlie came back in and lyed down beside me. He just wanted to snuggle, he said.

A few minutes later, Xander came in and wordlessly lyed down beside me too.  

We lay there together for a good twenty minutes. When they finally stirred, it was not to leave me, but to gently stroke my hair. 

Then they finally left to go play again, and I was left wonder what had just happened. Don't get me wrong ... we are a very affectionate family, but usually such things have a time and a place. After school time, when freedom is allowed and friends are home to play with is usually not that time. 

That they chose to come and snuggle me, to quietly give and receive love without asking for anything in return, was something sweet.

And it helped me to see that this increase of love I feel for them is not one-sided. They, too, are feeling an increase of love for me, and for each other.

There is far less bickering happening between the two boys. I would have thought there would be more, being cooped up together for so long.

Rather, homeschooling has been a great blessing for us, in so many ways, but the most cherished of all ways is this increase of love we are experiencing.

Now I understand why those homeschooling moms expressed such love for their children. It wasn't a requisite nature that made them good homeschooling moms, it was the companionship, the closeness and time spent together that yielded the love. 

I expressed my faith in this homeschooling lifestyle, by planting the seeds, covering them with warm earth and providing them with needed sunshine and water. And now I'm seeing, much sooner than expected, those precious seeds bearing fruit, and the blossoms are fragrant and beautiful and far beyond my wildest dreams.

Household Chores

One of the things that seems to bog down new homeschoolers is household chores. There's this falacy out in the popular world that moms have to do it all. We have to work, we have to make gourmet meals for our kids, we have to keep a Martha Steward style home perfectly clean all the time. 

Whether you're homeschooling or not, this just isn't true!

As I writer, if I was concerned for domestic perfection, I'd never get any writing done. But now, as a homeschooler too, there just isn't room for my inner Martha Stewart to have her say.

But whether you're a homeschooler or not, you've got to let go of some misperceptions that might still be bogging down your inner psyche. First of all, household chores, are not only for wives and mothers to perform. Don't you remember Little House in the Prairie? Everyone pitched in with their share of the work. Even the Beav had to do household chores. It seems to be a rather modern day phenomenon that lets children get off scot free.

Sometimes I wish I lived on a farm because then it would be easier to identify chores my children could do. But let me brainstorm a few ideas here of suggestions for things your kids could be doing, day by day, to not only lighten your load, but strengthen their spirits. Some of these chore ideas are ones that my own kids do, others are gleaned from friends and online sources.

• keep room clean
• keep bodies clean
• set table/clear table
• feed/water pets
• walk or exercise pets
• vacuum
• wipe down bathroom
• swish and swipe toilet
• wash walls
• wipe down light switches and door knobs
• windex windows and mirrors
• pick toys and rocks off the grass before it gets mowed
• mow the lawn
• weed the garden
• harvest vegetables
• wash dishes/load dishwasher
• help prepare a meal
• help with grocery shopping
• unload groceries
• sort/fold laundry
• put laundry away
• wash their own laundry
• always pick up after themselves
• dust
• wash base boards

And many, many more that I'm sure I haven't listed. If I've missed something you think is great for kids to do, please leave it in my comment trail. It would be cool to compile a list of household chores children can help with.

Now that you have an idea of all the myriad ways your children can help, it's time to let go of your inner perfectionist and let them help. 

It's true things won't be done to perfection. It's true that they may only be able to accomplish one or two things (and imperfectly to boot) in the period of time it would take you to do many things. But think of the benefits:

• you can begin to let go of resentment you may be feeling about always having to do everything yourself
• you are training up your children in the way to help in family ... creating men and women who will know how to pull their own weight in a family
• you're also teaching them basic life skills that will serve your children well in their grown up lives
• your children will grow to respect and love you all the more because they will have a real understanding of all you do for them

So let go of your Domestic Diva and become a Marvelous Mom. Your children will one day thank you for it, and you'll be grateful for it today.